Jokes of the day for Wednesday, 24 January 2024

Drinking Fluids

Doctor: "Have you been drinking fluids?"
Patient: "Jeez, Doc, that's literally all I drink."

Computer humor...

The tech asked her if she was 'running it under Windows.' The woman then responded, 'No, my desk is next to the door. But that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his is working fine.'

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Tech Support: 'How much free space do you have on your hard drive?'
Customer: 'Well, my wife likes to get up there on that Internet, and she downloaded ten hours of free space. Is that enough?'

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Tech Support: 'Ok Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen.

Now type the letter 'P' to bring up the Program Manager.'

Customer: 'I don't have a 'P'.'

Tech Support: 'On your keyboard, Bob.'

Customer: 'What do you mean?'

Tech Support: ''P' on your keyboard, Bob.'

Customer: 'I'm not going to do that!'

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Overheard in a computer shop:

Customer: 'I'd like a mouse pad, please.'

Salesperson: 'Certainly sir, we've got a large variety.'

Customer: 'But will they be compatible with my computer?'

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I once received a fax with a note on the bottom to fax the document back to the sender when I was finished with it, because he needed to keep it.

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Customer: 'Can you copy the Internet for me on this diskette?'

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I work for a local ISP. Frequently we receive phone calls that go something like this:

Customer: 'Hi. Is this the Internet?'

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Some people pay for their online services with checks made payable to 'The Internet.'

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Customer: 'So that'll get me connected to the Internet, right?'

Tech Support: 'Yeah.'

Customer: 'And that's the latest version of the Internet, right?

Tech Support: 'Uhh...uh...uh...yeah.'

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Tech Support: 'All right...now double-click on the File Manager Icon.'

Customer: 'That's why I hate this Windows...because of the icons. I'm a Protestant, and I don't believe in icons.'

Tech Support: 'Well, that's just an industry term sir. I don't believe it was meant to-'

Customer: 'I don't care about any 'Industry Terms'. I don't believe in icons.'

Tech Support: 'Well...why don't you click on the 'little picture' of a file cabinet...is 'little picture' ok?'

Customer: [click]

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Customer: 'My computer crashed!'

Tech Support: 'It crashed?'

Customer: 'Yeah, it won't let me play my game.'

Tech Support: 'All right, hit Control-Alt-Delete to reboot.'

Customer: 'No, it didn't crash-it crashed.'

Tech Support: 'Huh?'

Customer: 'I crashed my game. That's what I said before. Now it doesn't work.'

(Turned out, the user was playing Lunar Lander and crashed his spaceship.)

Tech Support: 'Click on 'File,' then 'New Game.''

Customer: [pause] 'Wow! How'd you learn how to do that?'

Tough choice

A wife asks her husband: "What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?"

He looks at her from head to toe and replied: “I like your sense of humor!”

Deliverance

It is pouring rain in the flood plain of the Mississippi Valley, and the rising river begins to threaten all manner of private homes, including that of the local Rabbi.
With water coming into the ground floor, a rowboat with police comes by, and the officer shouts, "Rabbi, let us evacuate you! The water level is getting dangerous."
The Rabbi replies, "No thank you, I am a righteous man, who trusts in the Almighty, and I am confident he will deliver me." Three hours go by, and the rains intensify, at which point the Rabbi has been forced up to the second floor of his house.A second police rowboat comes by, and the officer shouts, "Rabbi, let us evacuate you! The water level is getting dangerous."
The Rabbi replies, "No thank you, I am a righteous man, who trusts in the Almighty, and I am confident he will deliver me."
The rain does not stop, and the Rabbi is forced up onto the roof of his house. A helicopter flies over, and the officer shouts down, "Rabbi, grab the rope and we'll pull you up! You're in terrible danger!"
The Rabbi replies, "No thank you, I am a righteous man, who trusts in the Almighty, and I am confident he will deliver me."
The deluge continues, and the Rabbi is swept off the roof, carried away in the current and drowns. He goes up to heaven, and at the Pearly Gates he is admitted, and comes before the Divine Presence.
The Rabbi asks, "Dear Lord, I don't understand. I've been a righteous observant person my whole life, and depended on you to save me in my hour of need. Where were you?"
And the Lord answered, "I sent two boats and a helicopter, what more do you want?"

Four college friends were so c...

Four college friends were so confident that the weekend before finals, they decided to go up to Dallas and party with some friends up there. They had a great time. However, after all the partying, they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Austin until early Monday morning.
Rather than taking the final then, they decided to find their professor after the final and explain to him why they missed it.
They explained that they had gone to Dallas for the weekend with the plan to come back and study but, unfortunately, they had a flat tire on the way back, didn't have a spare, and couldn't get help for a long time. As a result, they missed the final.
The Professor thought it over and then agreed they could make up the final the following day. The guys were elated and relieved.
They studied that night and went in the next day at the time the professor had told them. He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet, and told them to begin.
They looked at the first problem, worth 5 points. It was something simple about free radical formation. "Cool," they thought at the same time, each one in his separate room. "This is going to be easy."
Each finished the problem and then turned the page. On the second page was written:

The Gift

On the first day of school, the children brought gifts for their teacher. The florist's son brought the teacher a bouquet of flowers. The candy-store owner's daughter gave the teacher a pretty box of candy. Then the liquor-store owner's son brought up a big, heavy box. The teacher lifted it up and noticed that it was leaking a little bit. She touched a drop of the liquid with her finger and tasted it.
"Is it wine?" she guessed.
"No," the boy replied. She tasted another drop and asked, " Champagne ?
"No," said the little boy... "It's a puppy!"

When the Aztec warri...

“When the Aztec warrior was about to be punished severely, he was so sad he was disheartened.”

Why Little Johnny Cried

After the christening of his baby brother in church, Little Johnny cried all the way home in the back seat of the car. His father asked him what was wrong and finally, the boy sobbed, “That priest said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and I want to stay with you guys!”

Absentee Slips

In the HR department in the large corporation where I work, I receive absentee slips for all the employees.
Over the years I’ve heard every excuse, but the other day I found one in my voicemail that I never heard before.
“I won’t be in today,” said my absent coworker. “I’ll call back later with an excuse.”

Margie received a bill from th...

Margie received a bill from the hospital for her recent surgery, and was astonished to see a $1200 fee for the anaesthesiologist. She called his office to demand an explanation. "Is this some kind of mistake?" Margie asked when she got the doctor on the phone.
"No, not at all," the doctor said calmly.
"Well," said Margie, "that's awfully costly for knocking someone out."
"Not at all," replied the doctor. "I knock you out for free. The 1200 dollars is for bringing you back around."

How many does it take?

How many members of your astrological sign does it take to change a light bulb?
Part 2:
Libra: Er, two. Or maybe one. No - on second thought, make that two. Is that okay with you?
Scorpio: That information is strictly secret and shared only with the Enlightened Ones in the Star Chamber of the Ancient Hierarchical Order.
Sagittarius: The sun is shining, the day is young and we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid light bulb?
Capricorn: I don't waste my time with these childish jokes.
Aquarius: Well, you have to remember that everything is energy, so...
Pisces: Light bulb? What light bulb?

A German tourist walks into a...

A German tourist walks into a McDonald's in New York City and orders abeer. (In Germany and many parts of Europe, McDonald's actually does servebeer.) The local guy in the line behind him immediately gives him thejab: "They don't serve BEER here, you MORON!"
The German fellow felt pretty stupid, but suddenly turns to the New Yorker with a surprised look,and begins to chuckle.
"And what's so funny?!?" the New Yorker demands.
"Oh, nothing really, I just realized that you came here for the food."

Three astronauts

Once upon a time Nasa decided to send three astronauts to space for 2 years.

NASA allowed each of them to take 200 pounds of baggage each.

The first astronaut decided to take along his wife, the second decided to take along books to learn how to speak German, while the third astronaut decided to take along cigarettes.

Two years later, when the space shuttle landed, there was a big crowd waiting to welcome them home.

First came the first astronaut and his wife and each of them had a baby in their arms.

Next, out came the second astronaut speaking fluent German.

They both gave their speeches and got a rousing applause.

Suddenly out came the third astronaut with a cigarette in his mouth.

He walked up to the podium and snarled to the crowd and asked, 'Has anyone got a friggin' match?'

A man entered the bus with bot...

A man entered the bus with both of his front pants pockets full ofgolf balls, and sat down next to a beautiful (you guessed it) blonde.
The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.
Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls".
Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him thoughtfully andfinally, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, asked."Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"

Would you please do me a favour?

A dentist, after completing work on a patient, came to him begging.

Dentist: Could you help me? Could you give out a few of your loudest, most painful screams?

Patient: Why? Doctor, it wasn't all that bad this time.

Dentist: There are so many people in the waiting room right now, and I don't want to miss the four o'clock ball game.