Jokes of the day for Friday, 06 October 2023

Unputdownable Laughs: Jokes for Book Lovers Guaranteed to Elicit Giggles

Short book Jokes

A book fell on my head.
I can only blame my shelf.

I found a foolproof way to avoid sunburns.
It’s called ‘stay inside all day and read.’

I’ve spent all day reading.
It was bound to happen.

My TBR pile is out of control:
I have no shelf control.

After watching me read War and Peace, my son asked me,
“Dad, why is your book so thick?”
I said, “Well, it’s a long story.”

I’m reading a book about anti-gravity.
I just can’t put it down.

It’s so easy to get lost in a book about mazes.
I like big books and I cannot lie.

You can’t buy happiness, but you can buy books, and that’s practically the same thing.

That book about Mt. Everest
had quite a cliffhanger.

Dystopian novels
are so 1984.

Never read Fitzgerald?
You Gatsby kidding me!

I got my friend to read Jane Austen.
She just needed a little Persuasion.

Have you heard about Waldo? He went abroad and found himself.

ISBN thinking about you.

Past, present, and future walked into a bar.
It was tense.

Did you hear about the author in jail?
They put him in the writer’s block.
Couldn’t get past his first sentence.

Witches are the best editors because they always run spell-check.

I’ve written a book about falling down a staircase.
It’s a step-by-step guide.

Talk wordy to me.

Q/A Book Jokes

Q: Why are books so afraid of their sequels?
A: Because they always come after them.

Q: Why do bookworms break up?
A: Because they’re not on the same page.

Q: Why are books so brave?
A: They have the spine for it.

Q: What do you call 2,000 mockingbirds?
A: Two kilo mockingbird.

Q: Why did the kid always sit in his wardrobe when reading a book?
A: Narnia business!

Q: What is Bigfoot’s favorite book?
A: Hairy Potter.

Q: What did the librarian say to someone who checked out over 100 books?
A: “Are you sure you want to borrow all those books? You don’t want to overdue it.”

Q: Why did Dracula go to the library?
A: He wanted to sink his teeth into a good book.

Q: Why can’t you go to the world’s biggest library?
A: It’s always overbooked.

Q: How do libraries make sure novels stay warm?
A: They give them book jackets.

Q: Why was the library so tall?
A: Because it had a lot of stories.

Q: Why are writers always cold?
A: Because they’re surrounded by drafts.

Q: What is the spookiest kind of author?
A: A ghostwriter.

Halloween, Thanksgiving and other Fall Jokes for kids

Halloween Jokes
1. Why did the cows turn into werewolves?
- It was a full moooooon.

2. Where do ghosts go on vacation?
- The boo-hamas.

3. What kind of monster loves disco?
- The boogieman.

4. How do you know a vampire has a cold?
- He starts coffin.

5. What do you call a werewolf with a fever?
- A hot dog.

6. Why are ghosts so bad at lying?
- You can see right through them.
Find more about Haloween on Haloween Jokes

Halloween Knock-Knock Jokes
1. Knock, knock.
- Who’s there?
- Jack.
- Jack who?
- Jack o’lantern.

2. Knock, knock.
- Who’s there?
- Ivan.
- Ivan who?
- Ivan to suck your blood.

3. Knock, knock.
- Who’s there?
- Witches.
- Witches who?
- Witches the best way out of this neighborhood?
Knock-Knock and other Haloween Jokes can be found on page Haloween Jokes

Pumpkin Jokes
1. How did the little pumpkins cross the road?
- With the help of a crossing gourd.

2. How do you fix a broken pumpkin?
- With a pumpkin patch.

3. How does the pumpkin listen to music?
- On vine-yl.

4. What do you call a pumpkin that works at the beach?
- A life gourd.

5. Where do pumpkins hold business meetings?
- In the gourd-room.

6. What happens if you eat too much pumpkin pie?
- You get autumn-y ache.
Pumpkins are importan part of many Haloween Jokes

Fall Jokes
1. What’s a scarecrow’s favorite fruit?
- Straw-berries.

2. What did the scarecrow say when he lost all his stuffing?
- That was the last straw!

3. What is the cutest of seasons?
- Awww-tumn.

4. What do you get when you drop a pumpkin?
- Squash.

5. Why did Humpty Dumpty have a great fall?
- To make up for his miserable summer.

6. Why are dads so good at fall puns?
- Because they’re so corny.

Thanksgiving Knock-Knock Jokes
1. Knock, knock.
- Who’s there?
- Annie.
- Annie who?
- Annie-body want some pie?

2. Knock, knock.
- Who’s there?
- Arthur.
- Arthur who?
- Arthur any leftovers?

3. Knock, knock.
- Who’s there?
- Pie.
- Pie who?
- Pie love you.

Knock-Knock and other Thanksgiving jokes on Thanksgiving Jokes

Thanksgiving Jokes
1. Why did the gravy get sent to bed early?
- For acting saucy at the table.

2. Why did the turkey get ejected from the basketball game?
- He committed a fowl.

3. Why couldn’t the Thanksgiving band perform?
- Somebody ate the drumsticks.

4. What do sweet potatoes wear to bed?
- Yammies.

5. What’s the key to a great Thanksgiving?
- The tur-key.

6. What is the most mythical vegetable?
- A uni-corn.

Find more jokes about Thanksgiving on Thanksgiving Jokes

Apple Jokes
1. Why did the apple stop in the middle of the road?
- It ran out of juice.

2. Why did the apple pie cross the road?
- It saw a fork up ahead.

3. Why did the apple join the circus?
- He loved the apple-ause.

4. Why did the apple pie cry?
- Its peelings were hurt.

5. What did the apple tree say to the hungry caterpillar?
- “Leaf me alone!”

6. Why is it hard to work at the apple pie factory?
- They have such a high turnover rate.

Mary's Little One

Mary had a little lamb...
And two nurses who passed out in the delivery room.

What's with the nuts?

A guy goes into a bar. He's sitting on the stool, enjoying his drink when he hears, "You look great!" He looks around - there's nobody near him. He hears the voice again, "No really, you look terrific."

The guy looks around again. Nobody. He hears, "Is that a new shirt or something? Because you are absolutely glowing!" He then realizes that the voice is coming from a dish of nuts on the bar.

"Hey," the guy calls to the bartender, "What's with the nuts?"

"Oh," the bartender answers, "They're complimentary."

An Alabama preacher said to hi...

An Alabama preacher said to his congregation, "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan.
This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate.
I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness From God and this Christian Family."
No one moved.
The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression."
Again all was quiet.
Then slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop traffic rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, "Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding.I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets."
The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the congregation roared!

Mommy Mommy 13

Mommy, Mommy! I like my brother very much.
All right, you can take another slice.

---

Mommy, Mommy! I don't want to empty the compost heap.
Shut up and keep eating.

---

Mommy, Mommy! I don't like fishing.
Shut up and stop squirming.

---

Mommy, Mommy! Suzi got run over by a steamroller.
Shut up. I'm in the bathroom, slide her under the door.
[Alt answer] Shut up and get the maple syrup.

---

"Come upstairs, son, like a good boy."
"No, Mommy, you'll only throw me down again."

Nuns Confessional

Four nuns are standing in line for confession. The first nun goes into the confessional and says bless me father for I have sinned I touched a man’s private parts.

The priest asks, "What part of your body did you use?"

The nun replies, "My right hand."

The priest tells her to dip her right hand in holy water say 10 hail Mary’s and all will be forgiven.

The second nun goes into the confessional and says, "Bless me father for I have sinned I touched a mans private parts."

The priest asks, "What part of your body did you use?"

The nun replies, "My left hand." The priest tells her to dip her left hand in the holy water say 10 hail Mary’s and all will be forgiven.

Well, this leaves the third and fourth nun standing in line. The fourth nun taps the third nun on the shoulder and asks, "Would you mind if I went first?"

The third nun says, "Sure I don't care, but would mind telling me why?"

The fourth nun replies, "Well, I would like to drink the water before you have to sit in it!"

Expanding universe

We live in an expanding universe.
All of it is trying to get away from Chuck Norris.

Two Old Drunks

Two old drunks are sitting in a bar when the first one says, "Ya know, when I was thirty and got an erection, I couldn't bend it, even using both hands.
By the time I was forty, I could bend it about ten degrees if I tried really hard.
By the time I was fifty, I could bend it about forty five degrees, no problem.
I'm gonna be sixty next week, and now I can bend it in half with just one hand."
"So," says the second drunk, "what's your point?"
"Well, I'm just wondering how much stronger I'm gonna get."

She did not need much

She did not need much, wanted very little. A kind word, sincerity, fresh air, clean water, a garden, kisses, books to read, sheltering arms, a cosy bed, and to love and be loved in return.

A father walks into a restaura...

A father walks into a restaurant with his young son. He gives the young boy three nickels to play with to keep him occupied. Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The father realizes the boy has swallowed the nickels and starts slapping him on the back. The boy coughs up two of the nickels, but keeps choking. Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.
A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.
Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the boy's' testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last nickel, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.
Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the nickel to the father and walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word.
As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?"
"No," the woman replied. "I'm with the IRS."

A blonde walks into a bar that...

A blonde walks into a bar that has a sign marked: "For Men Only".
"I'm sorry, ma'am," says the bartender. "We only serve men in this place."
"That's OK," says the blonde. "I'll take two of them..."

A little hard of hearing!

A 92 year-old man went to the Doctor to get a physical. A few days later the Dr. saw the man walking down the street with a gorgeous young lady on his arm.

A couple of days later the Dr. talked to the man and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"

The man replied, "Just doing what you said Doctor, 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful."

The Doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said you got a heart murmur. Be careful."

The Panda

A panda bear walks into a restaurant and orders a meal.

After eating he pulls out a gun, shoots the place to the ground, and runs away.

Quickly the bartender runs after him yelling, "HEY YOU CAN'T DO THIS!!!"

The panda turns around and yells "Yes I can. Look me up in the encyclopedia!"

So, the bartender looks up "Panda" in the encyclopedia, and it reads

"Panda: increasingly rare species of bear that can be found in the eastern part of Asia. It eats shoots and leaves.”

What is a question with a d...

Q: What is a question with a different answer every time you're asked?
A: "What time is it?"